INTRODUCTION
"Hi, Bob, how are you?"
Sounds pretty innocent, doesn't it? But this
simple greeting changed my life and might change yours as well.
The year is 1987; the place is the University of California
Medical Center in San Francisco where I worked as Clinical Professor of Ophthalomology. Passing a colleague on the way
to the Eye Clinic one morning, I answered his mundane greeting with a cheery, "Great!" Immediately, his melancholy face
twisted into a sneer as he grumbled, "Oh, you're always great!" And, with a dismissive wave of his hand, he fled down
the hall.
"Hm," I surmised, "8:00 a.m. and he's already having
a bad day."
But this same scene was repeated twice more, almost
word for word, sneer for sneer, dismissive hand-wave for dismissive hand-wave. By paring my cheery, "Great" to "Okay," I managed
to get through the rest of the day without further incident.
At home that evening, I reviewed those encounters
with my three grumpy colleagues. They had all found my lively, "Great!" annoying. Apparently, being too happy,
especially at work and early in the morning, puts peole off!
Me, too happy? That's a good one! In the
past, no one would have graded my happiness higher than a "C-." Still, I was becoming happier. In fact, looking
back, I realized that my happiness had been moving steadily upward over the past three years. And this new happiness
was qualitatively different as well. It didn't come and go like the happiness I was used to; it was deeper, more solid
and reliable than before.
"How strange," I thought, "that it took those three
guys at the hospital to make me see how happy I'd become."
What's more, subconsciously I knew that displaying
too much joy around others is risky. Clearly, I had crossed the line and been too cheerful that morning at the hospital.
How could I have been blind to the major upturn in
my own happiness for so long? Could it have developed so slowly that I hadn't noticed? Maybe I thought I was just
having a run of good luck. Still, the events taking place during this time of my life had not been unusually good.
Fifteen Minutes of Fame
Mentally, I began to evaluate the happiness of my
close friends, family, and coworkers, and quickly concluded that I was now happier than every one of them. "I can't
be the only person this happy," I considered, "there must be others. Wouldn't it be great if I could find other
people who, instead of being put off by happiness, would celebrate it?"
But how could I find them? Finally, I decided
to place an ad in the "San Francisco Bay Guardian, a free weekly paper that features a large personals section. Here's
the ad I placed:
ARE YOU HAPPY?
Do you find yourself keeping quiet about expressing
how wondeful the world is to your friends because they are repulsed by your joy and happiness? We happy people are a
group that society finds difficult to accept. We need to form a support group for joyful, happy peole. Contact
Bob Nozik at: (phone #)
When the ad appeared I received a few calls
including one from a woman who asked several pointed questions: "Are you promoting some new religion with this ad, one
that promises new converts joy and happiness?"
"No," I replied. "I'm Jewish, but secular.
I've never been very religious. Besides," I pointed out, "Judaism isn't exactly a new religion."
Satisfied with that answer, she continued,
"Are you trying to attract women to date with this ad? Is that what you're really after?"
Although twice married and divorced, I was
then already in relationship with the wonderful woman who has been my life partner for more than 20 years. I assured
the caller that my ad wasn't a romantic come-on.
She then went on to explain that she was a
reporter for the "San Francisco Chronicle," the main morning dailiy newspaper in the City. She liked to scan "Guardian"
ads for material she could turn into human interest stories for the "Chronicle." She found my ad to be interesting,
and we set a time for an interview.
Three days later she, along with a photographer,
arrived at my front door. She spent about an hour asking me all about happiness and left after taking several photos.
One week later, I was reading the "Chronicle,"
and having breakfast at my favorite coffee house. When I got to the "People" section, I was both amazed and amused to
find a huge picture of myself sitting in my house looking happy, and a long article about this strangely happy fellow--me.
Now, the phone began to ring, and ring, and
ring. My poor, little discount-store answering machine pleaded for early retirement.
One of the calls was from the "Associated
Press." They insisted on doing another interview and more photos. That story circled the globe . In the
ensuing blaze of publicity I got my Andy Warhol's "15 minutes of fame." The pursuit of happiness, it seems,
is universal, but actually being happy is newsworth!
Happy
People, Inc. (HaPI)
I was stunned! If it's true that deep,
abiding happiness is rare, how did I, of all people, get it? After all, I'd been unhappy most of my life.
But things were moving too fast to try and
answer that one. Riding the wave of publicity, I launced HaPI, Happy People, Inc., a nonprofit
organization for happy people. HaPI grew to over one hundred local San Francisco Bay Area members, plus a similar number
of national and international associate members. We had a newsletter and threw parties. We also held biweekly
seminars where the members discussed how they developed and nurtured their happiness.
As I learned more and more about the members
of HaPI, I was surprise to discover that almost 60 percent were not especially happy. they had joined in the hopes of
learning the secrets for becoming happy.
HaPI lasted just one year. The demands
of a busy medical practice plus my research and teaching commitments were too great for me to give HaPI the attention it needed.
Nevertheless, I had found my calling. I now knew that once my medical work was over, I would dedicate myself to studying
happiness and teaching others how to find it.
Slowly, as I began winding down my medical
career, I put more and more time and energy into learning everything I could about happiness.
This book is the product of everything I've
absorbed about happiness from self-inquiry, didactic study, as well as what I learned from those members of HaPI who were
truly happy.
There are many fine books available which
offer a scientific perspective about happiness; however most fail to show their readers how to actually get it. Here
you will learn how to be happy.
I have but one caution: persons suffering
from clnical depression or other serious psychological or psychiatric problems may not benefit from what is recommended here.
This book is not an alternative to medication or therapy for mental disorders.
Chapter One:
Are You Smiley-Happy or
Glumbunny-Happy?
“Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life,
the whole aim and end of human existence.” – Aristotle
Are you happy? Most people struggle when trying to answer
this question. They may say: “If you asked me last week I would have said yes, but this week, I don’t think
so.” Or, “I’m not sure what you mean. I’m happier than my friends Glumbunny and
Sadsack, but not as happy as Smiley.
Well, two out of three ain’t bad, so, yes, I guess I’m
pretty happy.” So much for science. About the only way scientists can measure happiness is by asking people
if they’re happy and how happy. What’s needed is a happy-o-meter or happy-scan so they could measure happiness
with real precision. “Just look at the bright dot in the viewer for ten seconds . . . that’s it . . . good.
Congratulations, Smiley, you’re a 322! That puts you in the 87th percentile of our happiness study.”
Or, maybe, “Oh, I’m sorry, Glumbunny, your reading is only 118. You’re way down there in the 8th percentile.”
No, Really, What Can Science Tell Us About
Happiness?
Frankly, not that much. However, data from surveys
and interviews suggest that there is a positive correlation between happiness and each of the following:
1) Being married or its equivalent.
2) Being religious
or believing in a greater power.
3) Having solid social support.
4) Living with personal freedoms (democracy).
5)
Being grateful for what we have.
6) Having work we enjoy.
7) Having happy genes; the offspring of happy people
tend to be happy.
Perhaps more surprising is that studies also reveal that happiness
is not related to any of these:
1) The amount of money we have; except abject poverty which
is correlated with unhappiness.
2) Neither education nor intelligence is associated with
happiness.
3) Except for severe, chronic illness, poor health has little
effect on happiness.
4) Good looks, alone, doesn’t seem to affect happiness.
5) Age, race, and sex aren’t significant factors.
The new field of positive psychology (see Martin Seligman’s
fine book, Authentic Happiness) offers hope that one day we will learn much from the science of happiness. Still, without
an objective way for measuring happiness, nor, for that matter, even an agreed upon definition of it, science has a long way
to go before it can lead us to greater happiness.
Where Do You Look for Happiness? Let’s
assume that you, like everyone else, want all the happiness you can get. Let’s also assume that you’ve already
tried everything you can think of to make yourself happier.
You’ve: tried to get it from work
tried to get it from play
tried to get it from
sports
tried to get it from hobbies
tried to get it from someone else like your spouse, lover, friend, kid, mentor, guru, parent, brother, sister, president,
sports hero, spiritual advisor, parole officer, boss, . . . boss? Maybe not your boss!
tried
to get it from sex
tried to get it from alcohol or drugs
tried to get it from religion
tried to get
it from . . . well, anything else you’ve tried to get it from.
So how did it work, all that trying?
You probably did get happiness from some of your efforts, but not the deep, long-lasting happiness you were really after.
Eventually, after years of fruitless searching, you conclude: “I guess happiness is just this little dollop of pleasure
I get when I’m lucky, or when I do something well, but it’s not meant to last.” That’s what
experience has taught you, right? Still, some people really are happier than others. Why is this?
Why Is Smiley Happier Than Glumbunny?
Is it simply the luck of the draw? Is it genetics?
Do some people just pop-out happier than others? There actually is some science to help us with this puzzle. David
Lykken, a well-known research psychologist, found that all of us are born with what he calls a happiness set-point.
If you’re lucky, you get a high one; unlucky, a low one. Most of us fall somewhere in between.
There’s a real difference between set-point happiness
and the happiness you get from work/play/sports/hobbies/people/, etc. Set-point happiness is the measure of how happy
we are when nothing is either adding to, nor subtracting from our happiness.
Lykken compares set-point happiness to the surface of a lake.
When something we like happens, it creates a wave which raises the surface of our happiness lake and makes us happier.
Similarly, things we don’t like create troughs that lower the surface of our happiness lake, causing us to have less
happiness.
All we really need to know is that our happiness set-point
reflects how happy we are when nothing is either bringing happiness to us or taking it away.
Smiley
is happier than Glumbunny because she was born with a higher happiness set-point. When something happens that they both
enjoy this happiness adds to both of their set-points. But because Smiley’s set-point is higher than Glumbunny’s,
she will be happier than he is. It’s a matter of simple addition.
What’s Poor Glumbunny To Do?
So, what can Glumbunny do to become happier? Even though
his happiness set-point is lower than Smiley’s, he could seek out more happiness from the world. If he likes playing
tennis, he could play more tennis. The happiness he gets from playing tennis, added to his set-point, would increase
his happiness. If being with good friends makes him happy, he could spend more time with friends. This is what
David Lyyken suggests: that we add waves of happiness to our set-point level by doing more things that we enjoy.
But then Lykken says: “. . . these positive experiences
cannot permanently raise my set-point, but only produce a temporary wavelike increase that soon recedes to where I started.”
So,
getting more happiness from hobbies or people or other things we enjoy will only temporarily increase our happiness.
However, soon we’re back pursuing more fleeting happiness. Although temporary happiness is nice, it won’t
make Glumbunny much happier in the long-run.
What Glumbunny really needs is to find a way to raise his
happiness set-point. But is that possible? Yes, it is. Let’s eavesdrop on a conversation that may
help Glumbunny raise his set-point.
Two Kinds of Happiness
Joy and Norma, two good friends, are having dinner at their
favorite restaurant. Let’s listen in.
“Norma, I am so happy we were finally able to find time in our busy schedules
to get together! Has it really been six weeks?”
“I know, and I’ve really needed to talk
to you. I’m so confused, Joy.”
“What’s wrong, Norma? Last time we were
together you were so happy.”
“I was! I was on top of the world. When Vera gave me
the Perkins account, I was ecstatic! Finally, the recognition and responsibility I’d wanted all year. ‘Til then,
all I got were those stupid little renewals. Joy, when Vera told me the Perkins file was mine, I went straight to heaven!”
Ordinary Happiness
Norma is telling Joy about an episode of ordinary happiness.
Ordinary, because her landing the Perkins account is an example of the sort of thing that commonly makes us happy. Norma
got something she liked so she became happy. Because it was something she especially wanted, she was ecstatic.
Most of us get small dollops of ordinary happiness every day, usually many times each day. Finding a good parking place
or eating chocolate will give most of us a little surge of happiness.
Norma’s happiness came from her getting the Perkins
account, a source outside of herself. Ordinary happiness, whether from good luck or hard work, always comes from outside sources.
Also,
she experienced soaring happiness immediately. There was no delay between her getting the Perkins account and when her happiness
began. Ordinary happiness kicks in so quickly we notice it right away. It doesn’t sneak up on us.
“So what’s the problem, Norma? We both know you
have the ability for the job. What brought you down?”
“I don’t know. Two weeks after getting
the account I just started feeling empty. I know I’m doing good work; Perkins himself said so. I just can’t believe
my excitement faded so quickly. I keep trying to remind myself of what a big break this is for me, that it could lead to even
bigger things. But nothing I say or do seems to help. How could I feel so great one day, and then, for no reason at all, it’s
gone the next? I’m not depressed or anything, its just back to the old humdrum. Why am I not happy like when I first
got the account?”
We all can relate to Norma’s feelings. One
moment we’re basking in the warm glow of happiness, and then, without warning or reason, it’s gone. And it seems
nothing we do can bring it back.
Norma’s experience vividly illustrates several other
aspects of ordinary happiness. It never lasts very long. Small victories, like arriving home early because traffic was
unexpectedly light, generate brief moments of happiness. Major triumphs like winning millions in the lottery may keep us happy
for months. Still, ordinary happiness never lasts as long as we wish it would.
Also, the amount of happiness we get is proportional to how
much we value what brought it. Norma really wanted the Perkins account, so her happiness was intense. But, because it’s
derived from an outside source, she has absolutely no control over how much she gets or how long it lasts.
Ideal Happiness
The second kind of happiness I like to call ideal happiness.
It feels wonderful, like its ordinary cousin, but differs in most other ways.
Ordinary happiness is universal. Because
this happiness arrives suddenly and unexpectedly, paroxysms of laughter and glee are common accompaniments.
Contrast this with ideal happiness which is experienced as
a deep, abiding, inner contentment. Those with ideal happiness may appear outwardly calm and quiet because their happiness
has become a part of the totality of who they are.
Let’s get back to Norma and Joy and learn more
about ideal happiness.
“Joy, we’ve known each more than six years, and
I’ve seen how upbeat and optimistic you are almost all the time. How do you do it?”
“Norma, I’m
not always cheerful. Remember how crushed I was when Frank decided he wasn’t ready to get married? That was less than
a year ago.”
“Yes, you were upset, very upset. We spent a whole
night talking and crying together. But less than a week later you were over it! At first I thought you were just trying to
positive-think your way through, but you weren’t laughing or making light of anything, you just seemed to look ahead,
knowing you would be okay. If it were me, I’d be a basket case for months!”
You’ve probably figured out by now that Norma is someone with ordinary happiness, while Joy has ideal happiness.
Norma sees that Joy’s happiness holds firm even through her major upsets. It’s not that Joy ignores or laughs
away her problems. In fact, she allows herself to experience all of her anger and sadness. But because her happiness
is such an integral part of who she is, she is able to experience fully her negative emotions without being overwhelmed by
them. By allowing her grieving to run its course, she soon returns to her basic, deeply happy essence.
Unlike ordinary happiness, ideal happiness is enduring.
In fact, once started, it’s likely to continue lifelong.
Joy’s strength comes from deep within her. This is
one of the most important characteristics of ideal happiness. And unlike ordinary happiness, it does not spring from
luck or good fortune.
“Well, yes, I guess I did bounce back pretty well. When I finally realized Frank
and I were finished, I was sad and angry. But after three days of crying and raging, I was empty; it was time to move on.
What I had with Frank was good, but deep down I know life is an adventure. There’s lots more joy and sadness for me
to experience, and I was ready to pick myself up, climb back on, and ride again.”
Because Joy’s happiness comes from within, adverse circumstances
won’t overwhelm her. This doesn’t mean she ignores what happens in her world. Quite the opposite.
Joy lets herself experience whatever feelings and emotions come
up, because her happiness is solid and secure. She knows her negative emotions will pass, and because she allows herself
to experience them fully, she recovers much more quickly than someone without her deep, inner happiness.
“Joy, I really want to know where you get your strength.
I know your life isn’t any easier than mine, but I usually get so depressed when things go wrong, while you just do
what needs to be done and move on even stronger than before. What’s your secret?”
Norma senses that Joy’s happiness helps her live a full,
rich, satisfying life; that her happiness, based on inner strengths, remains fully connected to the realities in her life.
Who wouldn’t want to live like that?
Ordinary vs. Ideal Happiness
The following table summarizes what we’ve just learned
from Norma and Joy’s conversation about ordinary and ideal happiness.
Table:
Ordinary vs. Ideal Happiness
Ordinary Ideal
How Common: 100%
< 1%
Onset:
Rapid Gradual
Duration:
Brief Long
Comes From: Outside
Inside
Personal Control: Little Total
Good
Feelings: Yes
Yes
Can Intensify: No
Yes
Define Happiness
We’ve come this far and still haven’t defined either ordinary or ideal happiness. When I want a definition,
I usually check out Webster or Random House. But the dictionary definition for happiness is so general it doesn’t
help much: “Fortunate . . . having, displaying, or marked by pleasure or joy . . . ” And, of course, dictionaries
don’t subdivide happiness into ordinary and ideal. And lest you think it easy to define happiness, listen to what
Norman Cousins had to say about it.
“Happiness is the easiest emotion to feel, the most
difficult to define, and the hardest to create intentionally.”– Norman Cousins
“ . . . the most difficult to define . . . ”
Still, having looked in detail at the two kinds of happiness, let’s see if we can create definitions that will include
most of what we now know about ordinary and ideal happiness:
Ordinary Happiness: Largely uncontrolled, intermittent
good feelings we get when something happens that we like.
Ideal Happiness: Progressive, sustained, inner-derived
contentment we can guide and control.
Notice that these definitions suggest a qualitative difference with regards to the
good feelings each conveys. Ordinary happiness creates a sudden joyful explosion, a kind of surface phenomenon.
In contrast, we experience ideal happiness as a deep, rich, inner contentment we know we can count on to be there for us.
Who Should You Believe
About How to Get Happiness?
I once read a book on happiness where
the author laid out a detailed plan he claimed would lead his readers to happiness. However, he then made a startling
confession: “... these words are offered from someone whose joy and happiness are probably less than yours.”
Why would people believe his system would work for them if it didn’t help him, if they, the readers, were already happier
than he was? I’ve read many books on happiness and am surprised at how often authors either shrug off or fail
to comment on their own happiness.
Many books on happiness are written by therapists who describe
ways they have found to help their unhappy patients develop normal happiness. Most of you already have normal, ordinary
happiness. You’ve spent your lives searching out normal happiness. You could write a book on how to get
ordinary happiness.
We don’t have good scientific information about how happiness develops. So the gold
standard for any method must be -- does it work? Has the teacher successfully used his own methods for developing and
sustaining outstanding happiness for himself and others?
My Story: the Early Years
I was a shy, insecure child with low self-esteem, despite
being blessed with supportive, loving parents. I was also rather morose. On a happiness scale of zero being lowest
and ten highest, I fell somewhere between three and four. I had the further disadvantage of being short for my age,
skinny, and possessed of a nose designed for a larger face. Completing this portrait, I was also a rather indifferent
student.
Fortunately for me, my parents thought I was really a beautiful
butterfly undergoing my caterpillar stage. However, this upbeat view was not shared by my teachers, as the following
incident shows.
Miss Cox, my third-grade teacher, summoned my mother and me to a parent-teacher conference.
Although I wandered the classroom feigning indifference, my attention was entirely focused on what the two women were saying.
More than five decades later, I still recall their conversation; “Bobby is a nice, quiet boy,” Miss Cox said,
“he never causes any disturbance in the classroom, but you should know, Mrs. Nozik, that Bobby is a very average student.
You mustn’t expect too much of him. That would just frustrate both of you.” She then added, “His
academic potential is low.”
Hearing this I felt my heart fossilize and sink into the
pit of my stomach. I watched Mom’s spine stiffen, her mouth tighten, eyes narrow, as she calmly but firmly retorted:
“Miss Cox, you’re wrong. I know Bobby better than you. He can do anything he makes up his mind to
do.” Thanks Mom!
Even with supportive, loving parents, I was not a happy child.
And I ripened into a downright unhappy young adult. But I’ve always been optimistic. I was sure that once
I’d achieved my major goals, the happiness of my dreams would follow as surely as spring follows winter.
My
dad was a medical doctor and, as a young child, I decided that I too would become a doctor. Somewhere along the way,
I formed the belief that successful people had all the answers. My dad and other physicians were more than role models
to me. Had I simply studied their approaches to success and used them to help me achieve my own goals, all might have
been well. But I made their goals my goals, their callings my callings, their life purposes my purposes.
Bitter Success
Sometimes I’d even adopt the quirks and mannerisms
of my model du jour. I would part my hair the way he did, stroke my chin, frown quizzically, even grow a mustache to actually
become whom I was imitating. Quite funny, now that I look back.
But it worked! Becoming the
composite of all the doctors I modeled brought me great success. By the time I was 35, my career as an ophthalmologist,
mixing patient care with teaching and research, was going well. My lovely wife and I, together with our two beautiful
children, lived in a brand-new home in San Francisco, the city of my dreams.
That’s the good news. The bad news? I was still not happy. I had been sure that the happiness
I craved would follow the success I worked so hard to get. I felt cheated. “I did everything right. Maybe
no one is really happy. Maybe this is as good as it gets. I should be satisfied. I have it better
than most.”
The song, “Is That All There Is?”, by Peggy Lee, had just come out. Her mournful lyrics spoke volumes
to me. I lay awake for hours night after night thinking: “Is this it? Is this really all there is?”
Slowly I began to realize that what I had achieved was not
“my” success. It belonged to all those whose lives I had imitated. Woody Allen, in a comedy routine,
once said: “They’re going to hang me in two minutes and someone else’s life is passing before my eyes.”
What a lesson -- that living someone else’s life, no matter how well you do it, won’t bring happiness.
As Aristotle said, “Different men seek after happiness
in different ways and by different means, and so make for themselves different modes of life.”
Finally I got it! I would never be happy unless I followed
my own calling guided by my own values. But that meant I had to discover who it was that was living in my chameleon
skin. For years I believed I really was the composite of all the stalwarts I had been impersonating. I had lots
to learn.
Better Success
Marshaling
every dash of optimism I possessed, I began the great trek to self-discovery. Now, as never before, I understood the
wisdom of those famous Biblical words of Matthew:
“What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and
lose his own soul?”
I started with one advantage, I knew a whole lot about who I
wasn’t and what didn’t bring me happiness! I had been a resounding success at not finding happiness.
Thomas Edison once said after repeatedly failing to invent the incandescent lightbulb:
“Results? Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results.
I know several thousand things that won’t work.”
The next year was the most awful and wonderful of my life.
I used everything I knew that didn’t work for bringing me happiness as my guide. Worldly success was out.
So, too, were society’s goals and other people’s ideas about what I should or shouldn’t do or be.
I experienced psychotherapy, encounter groups, EST, massage,
Rolfing, transactional analysis, Esalen, self-actualization, Gestalt, vision quest, art therapy, various types of meditation,
and more. I immersed myself in the entire California mind-body experience of the early ‘70's. I jumped fully
into each new thing I tried, suspending evaluation until my experience of it was over.
And I learned! All those experiences, good, bad, or
indifferent, taught me valuable lessons about myself and how to live life. The seeds sowed from that year’s experience
slowly guided me to the deep happiness I reaped a decade later.
What Now?
What you will learn
from this book is a proven way to acquire deep, rich inner happiness. You will learn the secrets that worked for me
and for the members of HaPI who were truly happy. And it won’t take you a decade of frantic exploration to discover
them.
So, if you’re ready, lets go to the next chapter where
we’ll learn just what it takes to get ideal happiness.
